Eloise is such an interesting story of a six-year-old girl who lives with her nanny in a hotel. As such, while adding punctuation to this excerpt, we felt that it needed to stay true to how a six-year-old would talk. So, we did not add a ton of additional punctuation as it felt like the sentences would naturally be spoken in one breath with few pauses, which seems to build excitement in its own way.
The first paragraph was edited by two dashes, one after “Saylor” and the other after “legs” because it felt like a child would speak in dashes that are more interconnected but disjointed all at once. Otherwise, the commas in the middle emphasize the description of the doll, and felt like little asides that Eloise made. Ending that paragraph with a period seemed to bring the emphasis to the italicized “rawther.” The next section had hardly any additional punctuation. The first line felt like a sentence so a period was added, otherwise the dash between “night” and “and” was added because it seemed like Eloise had reached a high emotional point there so she needed to pause before more excitement and conversation took over. The rest of the punctuation felt normal, but the parentheses were added because that section felt like Eloise added it for clarification, but it is not really connected to the rest of the paragraph.
The dialogue on the other side of the page felt like it needed to be grouped together. So each phrase and then mimic are grouped together, with the comma giving it an additional thought and the period closing that particular mimicry with the air of finality that children seem to have. The one difference to this is Nanny has more punctuation in her dialogue, as she would be more proper then Eloise in her conversations, and Eloise is not mimicking her at this time.